The secret Pascal code of Windoze '95

program Win'95(simulate input,output);

procedure Win'95;
var x : integer;
begin
   writeln('Starting M$ Win''95');
   PC[1] := pc[1]-2;  {x86 := (x-2)86}
   while free(memory) > 10M do
      fill(memory,bull);
   init;
   if time(last_chrash) > 12h then
      writeln('General protection fault')
   else
      startWin;
end;

procedure init;
begin
   randomize;
   i := random(0,10);
   case i of
     1: enable(network_adapter);
     3: enable(sound_card);
     5: enable(cd-rom);
     7: enable(mouse);
     9: fuck_up(HDD);
   end;
end; { init }

procedure write_log;
var
   t : text;
begin
   reset(t,filename);
   writeln(t,'Windoze ''95 bootlog');
   writeln(t,date,'Chrashed system.  Big fun.  User pissed off');
   writeln(t,'called M$ hotline');
   writeln(t,'Got no answer...  ');
   writeln(t,date,'User tried to boot win''95 again');
   writeln(t,'talking about stupid. ');
end; { write_log }

procedure search_new_hardware;
var
   i : integer;
begin
   for i := 0 to (pc*1000) do
      scratch(HDD,sektor(random(0,max)));
   if found(new_hardware) do
   begin
      install(driver,new_hardware+random(0,max+1));
      while functional(new_hardware) do
         setting(new_hardware) := random(0,max);
      writeln('Device not working properly');
      Writeln('Buy service pack from M$ dealer');
   end
   else
      install(driver,random(0,1000));
end; { search_new_hardware }

procedure network_neighbourhood;
begin
   delay(1000000000);
   writeln('Network not avaliable');
end; { network_neighbourhood }

procedure find_HDDs;
begin
   while exist(cd-rom) and not(ready(cd-rom)) do
      search(cd-rom);
   network_neighbourhood;
   if random(0,100) <> 9 then
      writeln('General protection error on module ', module(random(0,10000)));
  
      scratch(HDD,sektor(random(0,max)));
end;